anxious.

i've been fighting these awful waves of anxiety lately.

i've never really had them before, but very recently (like in the past couple weeks) i've had these very real feelings of panic throughout the day and especially at night.

only a few times really, but today was especially bad.

i hate it.

a lot of times i think i hear stuff in the house.
the house is very old and creaky.
it also boasts a few mice, so this is to be expected, i'm sure.
but i find myself thinking that someone has broken in.

at night i wake constantly to make sure finn is breathing.
i thought this would go away as he got older but it hasn't.
i still wake in a panic to lay my hand on his chest.

sometimes scary images cross my mind, like finn falling off the bed.
it's so strange and weird.

there are a lot of very anxious people in my family.i never wanted to be one of those people.

i always like to look on the brighter side and imagine the best possible scenarios.
but when tragedy strikes in your family i think it's hard to not think scary things sometimes.

my mom's cousin's baby died of sids when he was a few months old and i think about him a lot.
i think about my cousins sarah and zach and how very very young and very very unfair their deaths were.
i think about my mom's phone call when she left to pick up my pain medicine not ten minutes after i got home from the hospital with finn... and the fear in her voice and her car accident and her broken leg, and i'm scared when my phone rings.

these things are hard to write about but they are harder to think without getting it out.

i recognize that these fears are a hindrance and not a help, and that nothing is accomplished with worry.  it wears down my mind and makes me tired.

i prayed about it a little bit tonight, and a little while later a thought crossed my mind:
be gentle with yourself.

i don't really know why that crossed my mind.
but of course i immediately thought of the desiderata poem, and i read it.

it was such a huge help.

here it is for you to read as well:

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

every line in this poem is so very helpful to me right now.

most people who know me know that i am a pretty easy going and happy go lucky person.
but i think it's true what they say that the more that you have the more you have to lose.
i'm so incredibly happy and love my family so very much that i'm sometimes gripped with fear at the thought of anything happening to anybody.
because i know that sometimes it does.

i know this personal and slightly dark blog post is not typical of me, but i thought the desiderata poem was important.  and it was also important for me to let it all out.

and i guess life isn't always monkey bread and birthday parties.
so it's good to talk about the real stuff, too.

i'm hoping that my anxiety will go away soon, and if not i may go see my acupuncturist or go back to yoga a night or two a week if billy is okay with it.

in the meantime i'm repeating these lines:
but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.