the study.

i created a mood board yesterday for billy's study.

he is always working on a million other projects around the house, and his study/music room still hasn't been finished.

while i lost the battle of painting the wood paneling throughout our dining room and great room (numerous professionals told me i really should not because of how old and high quality the wood was down there) those same professionals told me that i should paint the 70's wood paneling in the music room.

it's soooo dark in there and i soooo want to paint it a yummy light taupey gray color.

but somebody has a hard time with change.  and paint.

who knows if or when he'll ever cave. 
(speaking of cave, that's what it looks like in there.)

anyway, without further ado, here's my happy mood board for a rustic and warm space:

it was inspired by this vintage irish tobacco holder i found for billy, seen here:

it made me think of ireland and an emerald green tone. 

we already have awesome gold curtains in there (thanks mom) and great dark leather furniture.
if the walls were the taupey gray color seen in the fabric, the green could really pop.
(of course i'd be leaving the wood beams in there dark- compromise! see?)

billy's mom has some vintage armchairs for us that i think would look great reupholstered in a green velvet, with the patterned fabric being for accent pillows and maybe a heavy tasseled drape over the existing curtains.

i was inspired by the irish countryside painting as art, as well as the vintage tobacco ads.

for a chandelier i definitely think something super rustic or heavy wood would be great in there and keep it masculine.

the vintage fan is almost identical to an awesome one my dad gave us seen here:

and the metal also represents billy's vintage metal desk he has in there.  i think the industrialism of the desk and the fan will balance the rusticity of the beams and chandelier, mixed with the luxurious vintage smoking room feel of the jewel tone.

can you tell i'm really trying to sell this?
wish me luck and stay tuned!

what i wore, volume II

today, the orkin man came.

i spent a solid thirty minutes after he left running from room to room with the vacuum cleaner laughing wickedly and screaming:

I TOLD YOU ALL YOU WOULD DIE!!!!

THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS!

NO MERCY!

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

as i sucked up stink bug after stink bug.

i truly hate them.

and i get a sick pleasure out of watching them die.

i decided i needed to leave the house, because clearly i was losing my mind.

you see, the orkin man was two weeks late and the heavy rains had washed away all of my previous treatment, so the stink bugs were OUT of control, and i was clearly out of my mind.

it was time to get a life.

i was about to scoop up the little one and head to target (umm because clearly that's where you go when you have a life) when i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

oh.

that's what schizophrenia looks like.

-woobie worn as a scarf (aka finn's blanket, a la mr. mom) courtesy of aden & anais.

-plastic readers courtesy of bella boutique.

-ill fitting tank top- no idea.

-really old hollister jeans that are about ten inches too long and i had to roll up after getting them covered in mud while leaf blowing the front yard. (side note- finn tolerates the vacuum cleaner but i was really pushing my luck with the leaf blower this afternoon.  i think i traumatized him for life.)

you can read my previous what i wore post here.

basically, this is a big step up because i'm not actually wearing the baby, just his blanket.

the blanket is so soft and it feels like a scarf so i kind of got confused and thought it was maybe?

i'm also not wearing clogs with socks, but i probably should have been because who knows what's lurking underneath my toenails after doing yardwork in my flip flops.

the worst part about this outfit is i didn't change before i went to target.
i just took off the blanket.
don't judge me.

honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if i was wearing the woobie as a toga and parading around my halls with the vacuum hose in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

i might do that after the redskins win.

my "show no mercy" stink bug face.

cheers!

the great outdoors.

finn LOVES to be outside.
if it's not freezing or raining, that's where we are.

today, thank heavens, the rain held off.
so i took finn on a walk in his ergo.
this is how he feels about walks with me carrying him:

this is my vantage point.

pretty much the best walk ever, every single time.

this time we were "going on a bear hunt" (i accidentally memorized the book) so he really enjoyed himself.

we didn't catch any bears, but we did spot a donkey.
actually, the donkey spotted us.

have you ever had one of those creepy "someone's watching me" moments, and then realized that someone was a donkey? no? me either.  until today.

finn had never met a donkey before, but he seems to love goats, so i thought we'd give it a shot.

 

to me, this face seems to say "mom, please stop trying to be 'creative', thanks."

actually, it went really well and they were really cute together.  

finn was really interested in his nostrils.  

sure, why not.

i read something a while back about how babies should get used to different textures.  so one day while we were out in the yard i kind of scooted him off of his picnic blanket and let him feel the grass for a little while.  ever since then he's been hooked.

yeah i said it.  my baby's hooked on grass.

son, i hope this is the only kind of grass that ever makes you laugh this hard.

i recently put a post up on facebook looking for indoor activities for the winter.  (thanks to everyone who answered with some really great ideas!) 

honestly, i'm a little nervous.  

i've realized that babies get bored.  who wants to sit around inside all day? not me.  

the outside is like our number one go-to.  

don't know what to do? throw your baby in the grass. 

there's like a bazillion different things going on out there that are exciting.

i think as it starts getting colder, we're just going to have to start wearing more clothes.

because the great finn wilde just loves the great outdoors.

and i wouldn't have it any other way! :)

a horror in the hall bath.

it came to pass one day last week that a horrible smell began to make itself present in the hall bath.

of course, i immediately blamed billy.

he appeared quite sheepish after the accusation, so i sprayed some room spray and was done with it.

that night the smell still lingered...
i gave billy a wary eye and went to bed.

the next day was really cold and i didn't seem to notice it as much but it was still there.  i sprayed more room spray.

it was bad again that night, and i gave billy another look.
he again appeared sheepish.
i think he thought it was him too?
i was genuinely concerned for his health.

on the third day of the smell it was so cold that the heat had cut on, and the radiator in the bathroom leaked some water.

billy assured me the bad smell was coming from the radiator.

last night it was awful.
you couldn't walk up the stairs before the smell came out and hit you in the face.
i fiddled with the radiator... but the water didn't smell.

today it started to make me crazy.
i looked all around the toilet.
maybe someone "missed" ?
i couldn't find anything.
i began to think the radiator was leaking toxic gases and we were all slowly being poisoned to death.
i cleaned the whole bathroom.
i told billy we needed to put the dehumidifier upstairs tonight... maybe it was mold seeping in the walls and infecting my nostrils. 
my allergies had been at an all time high.

tonight, i became absolutely certain that our good friend dave must have "upper-decked" us during our labor day party.
he's quite the prankster.
(dave- if you're reading this- don't get any ideas!)

i made a mental note to take the toilet apart after finn's bath, and silently swore i would kill dave if my suspicions were right.

then, quite on accident, while billy and i were getting finn dressed for bed, he bumped the fan on the shelf in the nursery, causing an avalanche of sorts.
the blocks, baby booties, fan, books, all went flying.
of course i did like any obsessive compulsive housewife would do, and immediately took the opportunity to wipe off the dusty shelf with one of finn's baby wipes. 

and this is how the case of the horrible hall bath smell was accidentally solved.

i walked into the bathroom to toss out the dusty wipe, and when the trashcan swung open just long enough for me to toss it in... i spotted him.

a very small, and very defeated little house mouse.

he was laying in the bottom of the trashcan looking quite famished.
the poor little fellow.
i have no idea how he got in there... i can honestly say i've never seen traces of mice in the hall bathroom of all places! 
but he certainly couldn't get out.
i can't believe we didn't hear him! 

i am quite relieved that:
1) billy does not have an intestinal disease,
2) we're not being poisoned by toxic radiator fumes, and
3) dave did not, in fact, poop in the tank of our toilet.

i am also quite happy that my hall bath once again boasts the ever-fresh smells of clorox clean up and febreze.  (went a little overboard).

rest in peace, little house mouse.
now the rest of you stay out!

valley forge.

it was so stinkin' gorgeous outside today.

so gorgeous, that i missed the redskins game.
on purpose.

it was worth it.

we are just a hop and a skip from the beautiful, historic valley forge park.

we decided the crystal clear blue skies and upper 60's temps were the perfect excuse to spend a family day hiking.

and so we did.

we originally intended to stay on the trail, so we brought the jogging stroller.

but we inevitably hopped some fences and went wandering.

which would have been awesome, if we didn't still have the jogging stroller which made our excursion appear more like a lost caravan than a stealthy hike through the woods.

but it was still amazing.  

 (billy just looked funny pushing an empty stroller).

once we went off trail it was too bumpy for finn in it, so i popped him in the ergo.  

(this is also why i'm clearly lagging behind in every picture... an extra 20 pounds will do that to you.)

 it was so nice to get some sun, some fresh air, and break a real sweat.

billy and finn and i really enjoyed ourselves.

but our happiest camper was definitely tuck.

he loves him a good trail.

we came home to find out that the redskins won!

but we couldn't be more happy with the way we chose to spend our sunday!

six months.

my little man is six months old!

someone recently asked me what the most surprising thing about motherhood has been for me.

i think it has to be how fast it goes.

pregnancy seems to go SO SLOW, especially at the end.  but once your baby is finally born, it's like someone presses the fast forward button.  it is so hard for me to believe that he is growing up this fast.  and i'm sure it only gets faster.

today was his six month visit and he weighed in at 20 pounds and 27 1/2 inches long.
i checked my baby book and i was 16 pounds and 27 1/2 inches long at my six months visit!  looks like finny-pie has some meat on me.  i have to credit his chunkiness to breastfeeding.  although he does seem to finally be slowing down a bit.  he is in the 90th percentile as opposed to the 95th at his four month visit.

finn continues to do well trying new foods in addition to nursing.
the doctor recommended adding white grape juice to his water to make it a little easier on going to the bathroom for him.  i really can't say enough about our pediatrician.  i love that he suggests natural remedies first and is hesitant to over immunize.  our shot schedule is very conservative.

finn can sit up on his own very well now and is getting better at it every day.  he likes to walk in his walker, and seems to be gaining an interest in crawling, although right now he really just rolls.  he is just starting to kind of hoist his knees up when he's on his tummy.  there is such a broad range of developmental norms, but the doctor said finn is doing great.  (big sigh of relief that his forrest gump noises aren't signs of any problem! ha!)

finn is such a truly joyful, pleasant and easy going baby.  we are so blessed.  what a wonderful journey this has been!

an anxiety update.

i just wanted to reach out and thank everyone who got in touch with me about my anxiety i talked about in my last blog post!

thank you everyone! :)

you have no idea how many texts, phone calls, facebook messages, comments, and emails i got from my family, friends and fellow young moms.  all because they deal with the same anxious feelings!

honestly, i hated to hear that so many of you could relate. 
because it's a poopy thing to have to relate to.  i wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone! 
but on the other hand, i have to tell you what a giant relief it was to know that so many people get anxiety.  like seriously a lot of people! 
it's normal, it seems to be especially normal if you're a mom, and at the very least now i can stop having anxiety about having anxiety!

i really feel like all of the kindred spirits i have out there have helped me big time. you guys are the best.

i also kind of realized that since finn can sit up, stand up, roll everywhere, and basically beat me up if he wanted to, that i can probably trust him to remember to breathe at night. 
yesterday was a lot better.

a friend told me that she was looking into kava supplements- a natural root- for her anxiety.
this was interesting to me, so i went to the natural pharmacy today and asked them about it.
in case anyone is interested, the natural pharmacists recommended kava very highly, as well as holy basil. 
both come in capsule form.
but, since they are herbs and i'm breastfeeding they recommended i go the homeopathic route instead.

so i got these little guys:

they are for nervousness/restlessness/uneasiness.
they just dissolve on your tongue (they taste yummy).

i picked them up today because billy is going to be away for the night so i thought it was a good time to try them.  so far so good!  i mean, maybe it's the rain making me relaxed, but i feel really good.

anyway, thanks to everyone for being awesome.
and to all of my sweet friends who shared their anxieties with me also-
be gentle with yourselves! :)

anxious.

i've been fighting these awful waves of anxiety lately.

i've never really had them before, but very recently (like in the past couple weeks) i've had these very real feelings of panic throughout the day and especially at night.

only a few times really, but today was especially bad.

i hate it.

a lot of times i think i hear stuff in the house.
the house is very old and creaky.
it also boasts a few mice, so this is to be expected, i'm sure.
but i find myself thinking that someone has broken in.

at night i wake constantly to make sure finn is breathing.
i thought this would go away as he got older but it hasn't.
i still wake in a panic to lay my hand on his chest.

sometimes scary images cross my mind, like finn falling off the bed.
it's so strange and weird.

there are a lot of very anxious people in my family.i never wanted to be one of those people.

i always like to look on the brighter side and imagine the best possible scenarios.
but when tragedy strikes in your family i think it's hard to not think scary things sometimes.

my mom's cousin's baby died of sids when he was a few months old and i think about him a lot.
i think about my cousins sarah and zach and how very very young and very very unfair their deaths were.
i think about my mom's phone call when she left to pick up my pain medicine not ten minutes after i got home from the hospital with finn... and the fear in her voice and her car accident and her broken leg, and i'm scared when my phone rings.

these things are hard to write about but they are harder to think without getting it out.

i recognize that these fears are a hindrance and not a help, and that nothing is accomplished with worry.  it wears down my mind and makes me tired.

i prayed about it a little bit tonight, and a little while later a thought crossed my mind:
be gentle with yourself.

i don't really know why that crossed my mind.
but of course i immediately thought of the desiderata poem, and i read it.

it was such a huge help.

here it is for you to read as well:

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

every line in this poem is so very helpful to me right now.

most people who know me know that i am a pretty easy going and happy go lucky person.
but i think it's true what they say that the more that you have the more you have to lose.
i'm so incredibly happy and love my family so very much that i'm sometimes gripped with fear at the thought of anything happening to anybody.
because i know that sometimes it does.

i know this personal and slightly dark blog post is not typical of me, but i thought the desiderata poem was important.  and it was also important for me to let it all out.

and i guess life isn't always monkey bread and birthday parties.
so it's good to talk about the real stuff, too.

i'm hoping that my anxiety will go away soon, and if not i may go see my acupuncturist or go back to yoga a night or two a week if billy is okay with it.

in the meantime i'm repeating these lines:
but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

monkey bread.

if you're looking for a healthy, high energy, good-for-you  delicious, fattening, easy breakfast, look no further!

my cousin jessica gave me this recipe for monkey bread a couple of years ago, and it is majorly yummo.  seriously, you want this in your life.

i hardly ever remember to make it, which is probably a good thing.
but it's a great treat every once in a while!
especially if you have company, it's probably the easiest breakfast for the masses.

without further ado, i give you monkey bread (or sticky buns):

step 1:

the night before you want to eat monkey bread,

grab a good old fashioned bundt pan.

step 2:

grease that baby up.

step 3 (optional):

i added some pecans.

you could add walnuts, or raisins, or anything you like.

or you could add nothing at all! your call.

step 4:

enter: your secret weapon.

frozen rhodes dinner rolls.

pick up a 24 pack out of the freezer section- they're like two dollars. seriously.

step 5:

you guessed it.

throw 'em in there.

step 6:

enter secret weapon number 2:

one box of butterscotch jello cook & serve.

step 7:

sprinkle the jello powder over the rolls.

also add 1 cup light brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, and a couple shakes of cinnamon.

step 8:

add a whole stick of melted butter.

i know, a whole stick.

try to cover all the sugary goodness.

step 9:

pause to drool.

step 10:

goodnight little frozen sugary rolls!

cover them up with foil and go to bed!

magical things will happen while you're sleeping.

zzzz....

the next morning you will wake up and come downstairs and your rolls will have risen and be hanging over the bundt pan all oowee gooey like.  i forgot to take a picture this morning.  but make sure you put a baking sheet under the bundt pan the night before in case any ewwie gooeyness runneth over.

next you're going to preheat your oven to 350 degrees and pop those bad boys in for about 25 minutes.  (make sure you take the foil off first, but leave the cookie sheet under the bundt pan because it's gonna get messy).

when they're all done, flip the bundt pan upside down on a plate and this is what you get:

stop it.

omg.

so delicious.

you're welcome.

surprise daddy!

today is billy's birthday! (hi honey!)

we are gearing up for a very busy end of the week and weekend... complete with lots of out of town family and friends visiting (and some staying with us), a big labor day cookout, and full work days to boot!

i am really excited about all of those things, but i thought it would be awesome if finn and i could surprise daddy the night before his birthday so we could have some special time together before things got crazy!

we worked very hard on the surprise all day, on top of all of our other errand running and shopping for the weekend (including a trip to the DMV which was surprisingly quick and painless)

and when daddy came home, we were ready!

 

i was so excited to surprise billy, that in my glee i messed up royally.

as soon as i saw his truck pull in the driveway, i scooped up the baby and quick lit all of the candles on the cupcakes. 

my next plan was to then hide behind the couch, and jump out and surprise him when he walked in.

except that when i went to put the lighter down (one of those bics with the metal tops)  i tapped the back of little finn's head with it.

it was hot off the press of lighting all the cupcakes, and let me tell you, my little man let out a wail worse than any i've ever heard.

it was pretty much the most awful thing ever.

so billy walked into the family room with finn gasping for breath between sobs and me trying to pull together a weak "surprise?..."  "oh my gosh i'm a terrible mother!"

i felt SO BAD.

after a few minutes and some infant ibuprofen to be on the safe side finn was fine with a very small battle scar.

(i should also mention he was wearing his airbrushed "finn wilde" onesie from the fair, so the fact that i burned him with a lighter was making me feel especially white trash.)

but daddy was very surprised and liked his homemade banner and his little vintage tee i wrapped in a pillowcase (haha).

and we proceeded to have a very lovely five minutes together before family surprised US with a visit!

so things didn't exactly go according to plan.

but we had fun, it's my baby's birthday!  and we're going to celebrate all weekend long!
love you honey!  

and believe me, i am never holding a lighter and my baby at the same time again ever! gahh!