growing.

"happiness is neither virtue, nor pleasure, nor this thing, nor that.

but simply growth.

we are happy when we are growing."

-w.b. yeats

i just looked back through blogs of yore and spied on what i looked like when i was in the early stages of pregnancy with finn. 
i realized two sad things: one, that i looked much younger, and two, that i wrote much more. 
there were also a million house renovation posts. 
god, we had so much time three years ago!

i remember myself then. 
i remember being in a constant state of excitement and action. 
we were doing things. 
i was preparing our life.
my days were full.  my lists were crossed off.  i felt accomplished.

i spent the first half of today snuggling with finn on a beanbag chair in the kitchen, watching charlie brown as we took turns shoving our hands in a box of golden grahams. 
i didn't map out nursery plans. (do i even need one?)
i didn't go for a run.
i didn't clean the whole house.
i didn't take a million pictures and write little blog posts.
i just snuggled my boy.

part of me pines for my previous self. 
for the jolt of energy, for the thrill of newness, for the anxiety of the unknown.

but a bigger part of me embraces this new self. 
this calmer, at ease, accepting self. 
the self that leaves crumbs on the floor and laundry in the dryer and blog posts unwritten. 
the self that could spend the whole day with her nose in the crease of her little one's neck and watch the same sesame street three times over. 
the self that looks more tired. 
and feels more tired. 
but who can now go the whole day without crossing anything off of the to do list, and know that it was still a day well spent. 
 
we're living the lives we worked so hard to build.

it's nice to remind myself of that. 
on the days i feel behind, and overwhelmed, and in desperate want of a shower. 

this stage of our lives is beautiful. 
they all are, really.

i had originally set out today to talk about the new baby.
out of some sort of duty, you know.  the new baby deserves some face time.
but then i didn't really know what to say. 
and i started to evaluate why i felt so differently about this pregnancy...  less worried. 
less consumed with it.

it's funny how babies make you grow. 
how they teach you things you never thought you could know. 
how you change and develop because of these little strangers. 

i have no idea what to expect with this second baby. 
it still feels rather surreal.  i can't quite imagine life with two.
but i think it will come with time.  i don't need to force it, or plan it, or write about it yet.
i just kind of feel like the new baby already fits right in the groove.
our train will keep rolling with a lovely new car on the track.
it's a good train.
we'll all learn the route together.