evaluation

i've been struggling for a couple days trying to figure out the right angle to introduce this particular blog post.  normally when i'm feeling apprehensive or vulnerable about something it's much easier for me to just report facts.  but it doesn't make for very interesting reading.  also, somewhere down the line, i know i'm going to want to look back and read what feelings these particular facts were invoking in me.  it's a journey i want to remember, even though it's a hard one. 
maybe because it's a hard one.

over the past few weeks finn has been moving right along in early intervention.  there have been great moments- like bringing me his shoes when he wanted to go outside, learning to drink through a straw, making great eye contact with everyone- but nothing completely consistent. 

to be honest, we've had a little extra pep in our step since we scheduled finn's ear tube surgery.  ahh, ear tubes!  please swoop in wearing a cape and make everything okay.  it's so easy to look at some of finn's little nuances and say "it's his ears, it's his ears, it's just got to be his ears."  there's a big X on the calendar where halloween is- surgery day- the day he'll feel better. 
the day it'll all be better.

and then we got a phone call.
earlier last week.  finn's service coordinator through early intervention.  there had been a cancellation, and there was an opening for him to be seen by the team for his full autism evaluation screening. 

billy and i have mixed feelings about this screening in general.  if you have it done through children's hospital the waiting list is a year long.  through the county it's up to three months.  in our wonderful county, the program is the same (even the doctor is the same) as at children's.  at the urging of finn's teachers we put him on the waiting list for both to see what would pop up first.
we thought we had some time.

the purpose of having finn evaluated for an autism spectrum disorder at his young age is basically so that we are eligible for extra funding and extra help.  more early intervention services.  they really do make a difference, and the encouraging thing is that some young kids who are labeled autistic and receive a crap ton of early intervention can improve so greatly that they no longer meet the requirements for an autism diagnosis when they're older.  which is awesome. 

the thing that's kind of shitty is that, because of the way these things are funded, you basically have to have autism or an autism spectrum diagnosis to be eligible for extra help.  the doctors can't just say "well there are some concerns, we're not gonna slap him with a label, but we're just gonna give him tons of help".  they have to call it.  if they don't, they don't get the funding, and the kid doesn't get the help.

finn has a lot of the common characteristics of autism. 
he also has a lot of characteristics that are not common in children with autism. 
but he has enough of the red flags that it would be irresponsible not to have him evaluated.

it's tomorrow.
his evaluation is tomorrow.

i mean, i know it doesn't really matter. 
finn is still finn. 
what a team of experts has to say after meeting him for an hour and a half doesn't change who he is. 
and i know that- worst case scenario- he just gets a ton of help.  we just work even harder.
but gosh, it would suck. 
i mean, wouldn't it be so nice if they saw him and just said "oh it's his ears.  it's just got to be his ears."  but i know.  it's not just his ears.
80% of the children referred for a full autism evaluation by the team are diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.  i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.  but the odds are we'll be walking away with some kind of paper with a diagnosis on it.  and i keep trying to tell myself that it's a good thing.  because if he really does have autism, we really do want him to have every possible resource he can.  it's just been easier not knowing, in a way.

after we found out his evaluation is tomorrow, i happened upon this youtube video.  it's worth watching.

honestly, after i watched it i thought this:
1) that chick is awesome.
2) that violent dude with the rad hair is pretty cool.
3) little figurine game playing guy is a little different, but i mean he's alright.  i could handle it.
4) the bubble boy!
oh please, let finn turn out like any of them but the bubble boy. 
i don't know if i could handle the bubble boy.

i know, i'm awful.  because the bubble boy is pretty freaking cool.  but hard.  his mom's life is hard.

then, a couple of days later, i came across this article about a little boy that, aside from his behavioral problems, sounds exactly like what we're going through with finn.  and they are from our county! with the same services! and what a success story! 

it's just scary because you don't know what you're going to get with autism.  everyone's is different.  some forms are more functioning than others. 
and there are so many things that finn does that i've just always wanted a professional to say "oh no, that's not autism, that's just bla bla bla." 
it's easy to make excuses for him.  to think he'll grow out of it. 
every night i dream that he talks.  literally every night. 
in some ways, i feel like if they tell me tomorrow that they just don't have enough evidence to label him autistic, but we're going to keep working with him, i feel like his future would seem so much less scary.  so much more hopeful.  but if they tell me it's something, what's ahead just seems so ominous.  but i guess what's ahead is always that way.  we never really know, do we?

so the past week i've been a pile of nerves.  (i mean, can't you tell by this insanely disoriented blog post?)
but then today was this wonderful gift.
finn and i just had the best day together.
we went to the park, and for the first time ever, he played on the playground. (not just the swings!)
he climbed up the little stairs and went down the slide! by himself! THREE times!
we played a game together... we took turns running down the hill of a little ditch and climbing back up.  he would gently push my back when it was my turn.  sometimes we would hold hands and do it together.  he was so thrilled and proud when he ran down by himself and didn't fall.
we went home and played, and he got a case of the giggles and just died over everything.
he grabbed my neck and hugged me and kissed my hair a hundred times.
and i just felt so... full. 
and happy.  and relieved.  and hopeful.
because, he's mine. 
right now, in his little 19 month old world, i am his very best friend.
oh, for everyone to know what it feels like to be loved the way this little boy loves me.
it's everything.
and it doesn't matter what he has or what he does or what anyone says about him. 
because i know who he is.  and he's wonderful.

we are hoping and praying that tomorrow finn wakes up feeling great, and is at his best during the evaluation.  we are also hoping that the team of doctors and professionals working with him and evaluating him will be able to see him for who he really is- all of his wonderful parts and all of his struggles- and that they will be able to suggest the best possible interventions for him individually, to achieve the best possible outcome. 

thank you so much, to all of our friends and family, who take the time to think of him, and pray for him, to send your positive thoughts and hopes his way, and who care so much about all of us.  i'll update the blog as soon as i am able.
 
we are so blessed to have this little boy.  i really don't know how i got so lucky.