running blind.

i have never really loved running.
i seem to do it more out of necessity than anything else.
whenever i'm feeling panicky or anxious, a good run seems to do the trick.

this morning i missed church (again) to put finn down for his morning nap.
something that, to me, seemed like he desperately needed.
but the past week, naptimes have been a struggle.  i don't know if it's the teeth, or that he might be ready to drop the morning nap and just do one in the afternoon.  it's frustrating. 

at any rate, this morning he rolled around in his crib for an hour talking and jabbering and kicking and playing around, but not napping.  after an hour i went in and got him, and basically just pretended he had taken a nap.

but during that hour, a million thoughts were racing through my head...
what am i doing wrong?
should i go get him now?
did i put him down too soon?
did i put him down too late?
why isn't he sleeping!!
am i screwing this whole parenthood thing up?
i totally suck at this.
i have no idea what i'm doing!
i should have gone to church.

so when i went in to get him, i decided it was time to go for a run.
although i walk often, i haven't been running since i was pregnant.
but my body and mind were telling me it was time.

i loaded finn up in the car and we headed to the struble trail to pound some pavement.

while i was running along i heard some men running together behind me and chatting.
pretty soon they came up beside me, and i noticed that one of them was holding a leash.
i looked but i couldn't see a dog.
(tiny invisible dog!)
(no.)
then i realized that the other man was holding the other end of the leash.
(huh?)
then as they got in front of me, i noticed that one of the men was wearing a black jersey with the word "BLIND" written on the back of it in large white letters.
woah.

my thoughts went something like:
1) holy ish, i just got passed by a blind dude.
2) man, that is awesome.

i couldn't stop thinking how scary it must be to run blind.
through absolute darkness.
on a really twisty and turny trail that literally has rocks and boulders jutting out onto it!
he has no idea where he is going!  he is just running!
the only thing he had was this tiny little string he was holding on to...
.... with a man who could see holding on to the other end.
i thought, wow, he must really trust that guy!

and then i got it.

there have been so many times throughout my brief time as a parent that i've wondered if i made the right decision.
or worse, when i know i've made the wrong one.
times that i feel defeated,
times that i feel lost,
times that i feel confused,
times that i feel completely unqualified,
and times that i feel like i'm running blind.

but this morning, through my frustration and self doubt, i got the subtle reminder that i needed.

it was like God was saying, "hey kiddo... keep hangin' on to that string."