the other side of infertility.

the road to pregnancy is not always an easy one, and if you yourself haven't struggled with infertility, you probably know someone close to you that has.  i can't imagine the darkness that comes with struggling to conceive.  but have you ever wondered what it's like to be on the opposite end of the spectrum?  to be someone who got pregnant easily or even accidentally when someone in your family could not?  it's a tale that's not often told, but, i have learned, can surprisingly be just as lonely.

allow me to introduce you to whitney, my first guest blogger!  a recent but dear friend and soon to be family member!  whitney is engaged to our good friend john, who billy grew up with and considers a brother.  they are also expecting their first baby this summer!  (we couldn't be more excited for them!)  whitney is sweet, funny, has a killer sense of style, and gives one hell of a hair cut!

oh yeah, she's kind of a looker, too.

i was pleasantly surprised when whitney sent me this guest blog.  it is deeply personal, and i am so glad that she put her story out there for us to read.  i hope you find her honesty and bravery as refreshing as i do.

I have been meaning to write a guest blog for sometime now, so here it goes.

At first I wanted to write something humorous...

Like about my client (a local, self-employed escort) who asked me if California was up north.

Or about the lady who replied "I ain't no lesbian!" after I offered her my umbrella at the grocery store.  

But I keep going back to a topic that is a bit closer to my heart. 

So I apologize for the serious tone, but I think it's time for me to write about this and be at peace with it all (a strong attempt at least).

I am just reaching 17 weeks in my pregnancy, and no, I am not married. 

And yes, we got engaged after we found out about the baby (although he assures me he had been planning his proposal since August). 

And yes, we are having an intimate wedding ceremony before the baby is born for our own personal reasons, and no, no one has pressured us into making that decision. 

And yes, we have just been dating for a smidge over a year, and I am completely aware that to so many, that is considered rushing...

For me however, after my first date with John, I texted my sister saying, "I just went on a date with the man I'm going to marry".  She laughed at me (to be fair I was joking....but serious), but I just knew this was something special.

Everything happened so fast and I've never been HAPPIER.  Seriously, ever. We have an adorable house, two amazing dogs, we both have great jobs/careers, wonderful friends and family, we're planning a few beautiful wedding celebrations, and we get to look forward to a little bundle of  joy this summer.  Sounds like everything is peachy keen right? 

It is. 

Except for this one thing... I miss my sister. A lot.

My sister is not deceased, she is not across the world on some religious expedition, she isn't in the military or in prison, or on a quest somewhere trying to solve world peace .  She lives in Kansas City, and she has a hard working husband and two BEAUTIFUL twin babies (they are turning two on Earth day this year). 

But, she has decided that she can no longer have me in her life.  

So here's the quick background story......

My sister tried for a very long time to get pregnant, she couldn't. Finally, she tried IVF and was blessed with beautiful twins! These would be my parents' first grandchildren and my brothers and I's first niece and nephew.  We were all so overwhelmed with joy, not only for our growing family, but a joyful sense of relief for my sister and brother-in-law.  If anyone deserved these babies, they did. Two healthy and beautiful babies! 

When I found out we were going to be expecting our first, my sister had just gone through another treatment (not quite as extensive as her original IVF, but along the same lines). 

It didn't work.  

She was devastated. 

In turn, I was scared to tell her my news.  After my engagement I tried calling her many times, but she had a hard time being happy for me because of her devastation so she never returned my calls.  We began telling our family and friends of the baby news but asking them to please not share anything online (i.e. Facebook), because Ashley didn't know yet.  

Finally, I realized she had no intentions of calling me back, so I asked my mother if she would please tell her my news.  My mother attempted to, but she couldn't bring herself to do it, she was afraid of the whole, "shooting the messenger" thing.  I didn't blame her, but I began feeling horrible that John couldn't shout it from the rooftops like we both wanted to so badly, and decided I wasn't going to hide my exciting news any longer.  Everyone was free to know and we were happy to celebrate however we wanted (lets face it, facebook is the center of communication for family and friends that don't live in the same states)!!  

I continued to have this nervous feeling in my new baby gut about my sister.  Wondering what was going on with her, how she was reacting, if she would call me, when i could call her for pregnancy advice, and so on. 

Finally, I got a text..."How is life?".  

I was so excited.  This is it, she's back! But after a couple small talk texts, she let me know in a few words that I could no longer be a part of her life.  

And that was it. 

John and I have both been blocked from her facebook (where I go to see my niece and nephew) and are not invited to skype.  I still sneak on to her blog almost daily to see if there are any new pics of the kids, while also trying to keep up with her life.  It's been a whirlwind of emotions for John, my family, and I. 

Anyway, the point of writing this blog is because I have been able to speak to a lot of friends and family about the situation, but have been too emotional to talk about how it actually makes me feel (except to John, lucky guy).  I have searched the web like crazy trying to find some information on anyone out there that may also be in this situation, but all I can find are views from people who are in my sister's shoes.  

So this is what it's like for a person to be rejected by a sibling with infertility:

First, I felt guilty.  

I wondered how it could be so easy for me to get pregnant when it is so difficult for her? I'm not even married yet, do I deserve to be as happy as someone who is already married and trying for their third?

Second, I felt sorry for her.  

I have finally accepted that it is okay to be elated for our future, even though she is upset. I haven't rubbed it in her face.  She is going through a sad and confusing time, but I can still be hopeful that she will come around.

Third, I began feeling angry.  

How can she be making me feel this way? This is supposed to be a special time for John and I, a time we will never get back again, a time she has already experienced! Can't she just be supportive for me the way I was for her all these years? She already has two, healthy, beautiful, smart babies that aren't even two years old yet!  Why does she need to rush into more? She's still in her 20s! Why can't she just be a big sister? Why can't she be happy with what she is already blessed with? Why isn't anyone in my family telling her how wrong this is? How upsetting it is for me? Why have we tip toed around her emotions all these years just to lead up to this point? Why do we repeatedly let her get away with this kind of behavior?

Then, I began thinking about the future, and it made me sad. 

My sister will miss my wedding, my baby shower, the birth of my baby, its first steps, first words....all those life changing events that people look forward to, she will be missing by choice. 

It devastates me. 

Then, I thought, what if she comes around? Am I just supposed to pretend that everything is okay? That I'm happy to have her back in OUR lives now? 

How will we explain to our baby that Aunt Ashley would probably really love her/him if she were more stable? 

Will my child not get to know its cousins because of her instability? 

What does she tell my niece and nephew when they ask why they don't get to see Aunt Whitney anymore? Do they know how much I love them and always have? Do they know that I miss them and wish I could see them every day? 

How will my niece and nephew feel when  they see how depressed it made their mommy to not have more children? Will they feel insecurities of not being good enough for her? 

I could really go on and on....but I think you get the picture.

All in all, I am deeply hurt and saddened. 

Saddened to read her blog everyday and see how she goes on with her life like I never existed, saddened that I can't celebrate a new life with her, saddened that it has created difficulty for my family, for John, and for myself.  But, I realized that I have done nothing wrong. This is her issue, and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. 

However, it is my right, just as it is for infertile women, to talk about this rollercoaster of emotions and how unfair it is to me too.  

We have a lot to look forward to, and everyday, through all the difficult times, John and I's life together keeps getting better and better.  We have had so much amazing support and love from family and great friends, it has been so rewarding and we appreciate it more than words can express.  

No matter what, we are so blessed to be exactly where we are right now.  

February 23rd is right around the corner, the date we find out what we are having. When I think about how excited I am for that day, the sadness melts away. 

John thinks it's a girl. 

I kind of hope he's right. :)