when he was smaller and less mobile i could sneak out unnoticed while he was distracted with something else, and he never seemed to mind. which was a relief for me then, because i would have been a mess if he had cried. he's been going to sandie's since he was 8 weeks old, and i was glad he felt comfortable.
but the past month, there has been clinging, and crying, and taking my hand and pulling me back to the door. increasingly desperate acts to keep me close to him.
it's gut wrenching.
and as far as i'm concerned, it's better than birthday cake.
it's better than getting flowers for no reason.
it's better than new boots. ok new boots might be a little bit better... (new boots!!!)
and although i always get a catch in my throat at him being upset for any reason, this blatent display of his desire to maintain a connection with me is EVERYTHING.
there are a million different moments in a day with finn.
some of them make me feel like i'm falling, or sinking, or drifting away.
scary moments. really bad scary.
like a tiny moment where he'll reach for something, but then get distracted by his thumb and stop and jerk it around in front of his face for a minute. everything will be fine and then suddenly i'll feel sick and i'll want to take the thumb and hide it, put it away where he can't see it. how can a little thumb twist so sharp into my gut.
but then there are also lots of good moments.
little sparks that light up my whole day. when i tickle him and he stops and grabs my face to center his gaze into my eyes and give me a kiss. when he toddles quickly across a room and stops fast when he gets to the stair to turn around and come back to grab my hand.
when he laughs.
since our first two days with early intervention this week, there have been a lot more scary moments. in this process billy and i are learning a lot, and with greater knowledge there are sometimes greater fears. challenging finn and making changes has been hard for him, and his frustration is hard for us. but despite the increase in scary moments, there has been double the increase in the lightbulb moments.
he's trying.
it's amazing to see him try.
all of the little sparks light me up. they make me warm inside. i hold onto them so i can pull them back out when i need to.
but the best spark is definitely his new separation anxiety.
because it means he feels connected to me. that i get him.
so after the twenty minutes it takes to peel him slowly off of me those two mornings a week, i shut the back door of his babysitter's house and smile.
i've still got him.
i feel like we're all in a dark room that gets bigger every day.
but as it gets bigger it gets not quite as dark.
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2 comments:
haha. New Boots! I need to spend more time with Mr. Finn. He's getting so big and so interesting. Steve and I both feel that when kids surpass the infant stage and get into the toddler stage, that's when we "get it." You can see their features and mannerisms, which parent they look like most, their darling little personalities. That's the best part, to me anyway, and Finn is now at this awesome stage. I'm sure you've seen all this from day one, but Mom's are different like that. Anyway, that was a long way to say we need to visit you guys...and soon. Maybe we can drop by when we come up in early December for the show in Philly, if not before then (maybe Labor Day??)
Love ya always!
Linds! Yes! We will be down over Labor Day for five days and can't wait to see you guys! Finn is going to love Coda and Luna. He can't imitate the sounds we make yet, but he loves to imitate dogs panting! It's so cute! Love ya!
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