i've created a (cuddle) monster.

oopsies.

remember in the early days of baby when i didn't know how to relax?
i was running around town with a two week old and trying to do laundry and breastfeed at the same time.

it took awhile for me to learn to stop and smell the baby around here... especially after going through extreme nesting into 42 weeks of pregnancy.  i just didn't know how to quit.

at around 4 weeks i figured it out.
and now i'm hooked.
and it's kind of a problem.

when i finally scaled back on the ridiculous house projects and started enjoying doing nothing but holding my baby, i was really proud of learning how to sit back and enjoy. no stress, just sweet baby bliss!  it was lovely.

but this friday after work i went to pick little finn up from the babysitter's and she asked me about how he naps at home. "he doesn't sleep by himself here for more than 30 minutes at a time," she said, "he doesn't even like his swing anymore.  i need an extra arm!"
"well that's weird," i thought.  "maybe it's because he doesn't eat as well here? maybe it's the noisy two year old that she watches also?"

and then today, while i was scrolling the internet with my big toe whilst holding a sleeping finn, i realized.

i don't put my baby down.
do i have to?
he's so snuggly!
i may or may not be typing one handed and holding him right now.
oof.

but seriously, i don't really put him down for naps.
on my days home i'll get up and get ready and finn will hang out in his swing or bouncy seat while i get dressed and have breakfast.  (i have been noticing that he is less stoked about this independent time lately.)  then we'll run some errands in the morning... finn does great in his carseat and will normally sleep in it while we're out.
he'll hang out while i put groceries away or switch the wash or vacuum or whatever.  but when he starts to get sleepy and i pick him up and sit down, i start to get sleepy too.  i'm down with an afternoon nap!  why not do it together?

i know that this constant holding is inconvenient for the babysitter twice a week, who has to watch another little boy who's two.  but it's not that inconvenient for me.
i'm kinda hooked.
i finally just learned how to do nothing, and now i have to give it up?

well, i should say now that half way through typing this i got to feeling kind of guilty about spoiling finn so rotten that he was about to start smelling... and went in and laid him down in his crib.
then i went into the kitchen and fixed dinner.
real dinner.
fried chicken and mashed potatoes and buttery green beans (yeah you're allowed to eat like that when you're breastfeeding).
it was kind of liberating having two arms free.  i get it.
i get that i need to give finn more opportunities to sleep on his own so that he can be a more independent baby, and so that the babysitter doesn't throw him at me in a fit of rage for creating a cosleeping monster.

so putting finn down more is something that i'm going to work on.
it's hard when he looks so sweet when he's sleeping that you want to pick him up and bite him!