autism part two.

with the full realization of finn's diagnosis of autism comes the demand for action on my part.
and that's helpful as much as it is hard.
you know, because when you feel like you can't do anything, it always helps to do something.

i am reminded of sleep training with finn, when he was ten months old.
he still slept in bed with us and was nursing every couple of hours.  i was tired, and thin, and he was big and healthy, and we knew he should be sleeping in his bed.  but we couldn't stand the agony of hearing him cry even for a minute.  we always rushed to him, and held him, and snuggled him in our arms until we all fell asleep together.
when we finally decided it was time, it only took a few days for finn to sleep through the night in his bed by himself.  i started by going in and holding his hand or patting his back, but not picking him up.  after a couple of minutes he always fell asleep and was fine.  but those couple of minutes of crying felt like years to billy and me.  we had to watch a clock to remind ourselves how briefly he would fuss.
through the process of sleep training, i learned that finn was ready to sleep in his bed by himself.  he didn't need me there with him all night long.
i was the one who hadn't been ready.

we put finn in a private pre-preschool for two year olds with developmental delays in december.  it was just three hours a morning, two mornings a week.  he struggled there.  they put demands on him that i simply don't put on him at home.  we tried it for three months, and then i pulled him out.  he wasn't ready, we said.  but i don't think i was ready.

i love having finn home with me and i know just how to make him happy.  i know all the right songs to sing and things to do and places to go and foods to eat.  i know just how to make him smile and laugh.  but i don't know how to really challenge him.  or i don't like to.  and he knows all the right mom buttons to push so that i don't make him do any nonpreferred activity for too long.  having four teachers come over every week for an hour each helps a lot.  when they're here we do some challenging activities.  but when they're not, i just like to make finn happy.  and for a while i thought that that was okay.  because i thought that's what mattered, and he was going to catch up with his developmental delays, and he didn't need me hammering puzzles and shape sorters into his head all day.  but now i think that might not be true.

finn doesn't really acquire skills the same way as other children.  he is not interested in toys or activities the same way that other kids are.
puzzles are for tasting.  balls are for watching.  blocks are for pushing.
he doesn't know what to do with things unless you show him.
oh, and he doesn't want you to show him.

a good example of this is a little treasure chest toy we have with plastic coins.  there is a slot in the top, and when you put the plastic coin in, it lights up and sings a song.  three months ago, to finn, this toy held his interest about as much as minor league bowling holds mine.  it doesn't.  let's move on.
but for months, we forced finn to practice putting the coin in the treasure chest.  i did this by holding finn's hand in my hand and making him do the action with my guidance. this was normally only achieved through brute force and many tears.

then, one morning last week, finn woke up, came in the kitchen, found a plastic coin, and walked across the room and put it in his treasure chest.  like he had been doing it every day- it ain't no thang.  when i erupted in cheers he swelled with pride.  now he plays with it often, and is so proud of his new skill.   i don't think he remembers all the tears and fighting it took to get there.  but i do.

and they were worth it.

this is just one example that makes me realize that hard work pays off with finn, even if it's not fun work.  he really needs those tough and consistent demands placed on him just as much as he needs all the cheerleading he gets from me.  without them, he just simply doesn't grow and develop as well as he can and should.

finn's developmental pediatrician suggested we send finn back to his special preschool class, but with a "mary poppins" type aide (where are you? are you out there mary poppins!?) who can support him and his emotional needs and snuggly bugglyness while he's getting challenged in a classroom setting.  she also suggested we look into some more rigorous therapies for him.  i think she recognized in him the ability to achieve much more... and she probably recognized the ability in me to become a human mom cushion that makes finn's life easy peasy.

it's easy to talk about more challenging therapies for finn, it's a lot of paperwork to get them, and it's emotionally and physically exhausting to do them.  i hated leaving finn crying at preschool.  i hate making him do something that i know makes him upset and stressed out.  i hate not being there to make it better, and i hate not being able to cheer for him when he gets it right.  basically, i don't ever want him to be away from me... especially not anywhere scary like preschool.  but i know that i need to challenge myself in order to challenge him, and that we need to up the ante in the therapy department. 

pray for us on this journey, that we will find and choose the right therapies for finn, that i will have the strength to stick with them, and that finn will thrive.
billy and i see how bright and wonderful finn is every day.  we are so blessed to have a special connection with him.  so blessed that he lets us into his world.  but we want him to be able to open himself up to other people and learn skills to succeed in the world outside our window as well.  sometimes i would like to keep all of us holed up in here forever with nothing but laughs and songs and goldfish crackers.  but i am accepting that that isn't reality, and i have to get serious if i want finn to survive out there in big bad preschool land.


it's not going to be easy for any of us.

but it's going to be worth it.