christmas was hard for billy and i this year.
in our culture today, christmas is special for kids. it's special for families, and for traditions.
we love this stuff. seriously, billy and i eat it right up.
and both of us have childhoods packed full of happy christmas memories.
so this year was tough.
because we wanted it so bad for finn.
but it's just different. he's different.
we couldn't get him to look inside his advent calendar.
we couldn't get him to notice the elf on the shelf.
he didn't want to look at the ornaments on the christmas tree.
he didn't understand the presents on christmas morning.
it was hard for us to watch videos and see pictures of our friends with kids even younger than finn, and see the looks on their tiny faces when they saw what santa had left them under their christmas tree. it was the look we had hoped for.
it was hard when he started screaming as soon as we walked into billy's parents house, arms full of presents and breakfast casseroles, eager to see our loved ones.
it was hard to see their faces fall. because they had been hopeful, too.
it was hard to spend the first 30 minutes of christmas tucked away in an upstairs room, trying to soothe our inconsolable little boy, who just couldn't handle all the new faces and changes in routine and who couldn't tell us that he was tired and didn't feel good and didn't understand all of this christmas stuff.
but as billy and i laid in the guest bed with him, trying to rub his back and sing to him while he cried and rolled, i thought a lot about christmas.
and for some reason right then, i didn't think about my disappointment. and my frustration. and i didn't ask why.
i just thought: this is so hard.
and my mind went right to the first christmas. the christmas so long ago. the real meaning of christmas that we talk about when we're not at target or wegman's or wrapping gifts or drinking starbucks.
and i thought about mary.
and i thought, my god. it must have been so hard. so impossibly hard.
and i thought maybe my feelings of helplessness and confusion were probably the same feelings she felt. the feelings that come with being assigned to a job you don't feel qualified for.
i found some peace in that. and it grounded me. and it made me realize that all of the little christmas traditions that are so important to me don't really matter that much anyway. and i let a little bit of it go. and the day got better after that.
on the way home christmas night, finn fell asleep in the car with a look of content on his face.
i asked billy if he had a good christmas, and he said "it was okay, mama." and i knew what he meant. it was a new kind of christmas for us. not a bad kind, just a hard kind.
but we made it through together.
5 comments:
Tears....
I love you. I'm so proud of you and your little family. Hugs Meem
If it makes you feel any better, he is still a young child, christmas is also hard for many kids his age (and their parents) bc it is late nights, different from their normal routine, lots of ppl and tons of stimuli. Wether your baby has some extra challenges or not, it is a hard thing for kids to handle. Dont let the fb photos fool you- we have all had the christmas meltdowns and a less then perfect reaction from them for something that we were so exicted for them to see or do. I know Finn has some extra challenges to overcome, but some of that is also normal! You will develop your own new tradtions and things that you and he are excited for but it will take time, but you will get there. But you are right, it is hard. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and beinf overwhlemed w this kind of stuff is normal for these little guys. Just keep working thru it and you will get there. You and billy sound like amazing parents :)
Typing thru tears...
Megan, I am so proud of you. You are so brave to let us know your struggles and triumphs. You have your wee boy and he is different than you, as you are different than your Mom. Your Mom's Christmases were different than yours, then she made yours different and now it is your turn to make new traditions. You make me proud to say I am You Aunt and the Finnster.s GREAT Aunt.
I love the three of you so much.
Hugs across the waves, Aunt Pam
I LOVE this post. Tears!! I bet in a few years it's going to be really cool to look back at this post and smile...because as hard as it was for M and J, they figured it out. Raising the Son of God was probably pretty cool at times, even though in some ways it didn't get easier. You guys are going to make Christmas your own and it's going to special and good! (But for the record, if it helps you feel better, Wavy struggled a little, too. I called my best friend on Christmas night and she was asking how Waverly enjoyed Christmas and I told her that I wished I had verbalized my expectations for the day, because I would have realized they were unrealistic. I think in my head I saw her squealing with delight over everything and dancing for joy at every turn...uh, yeah, not so much! Instead, there was a lot of wandering around space-ily and yelling, "MINE!" at her cousin and wanting to just suck on her fingers and hold her blankie. So I guess at this age, they all have sensory overload!)
Meg this is my 45th year of celebrating Christmas with Uncle Bill and our family - a lot smaller than the Murphy clan....and, at my age....I still get anxious...and could cry. It is understandable that any child could get overwhelmed - and knowing that hugs and kisses could remedy his fear is wonderful medicine. I totally agree with all that said by your Mom, friends and Aunt. You and Bill are remarkable parents helping Finn with all his challenges. If, I were there, I would want to give all 3 of you a hug. Other than holiday wishes, I am forwarding you all my positive vibes to have a lot more "ups" than "downs".
Love to all of you....Aunt Janet
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