it's a pivotal time in a little person's life. learning to balance all on your own.
when i first set off, i was so scared that i would fall. but then i got going, and remember the thrill of knowing that i was doing it. "I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT BY MYSELF!"
that's pretty much how i feel every day as a parent of two.
i'm doing it i'm doing it!
the first time you learn to ride a bike you fall. a lot. normally the squeals of delight at your newfound independence end in squeals of pain as you eat asphalt.
i eat a lot of the proverbial asphalt these days.
but i'm still doing it.
some days are great days, some days are bad days, but mostly every day is a little bit of both.
sometimes i am the best mom ever. sometimes i'm the worst mom ever. every day.
there are the lows. oh the lows.
the forty minute drive to and from finn's therapy school when cole decides he just doesn't want to be in the car. and banshee screams the whole way there. and the whole way back. and i feel like i'm locked in a moving box of misery and it can't get any worse so i pull over and discover that holding a screaming baby in the starbucks parking lot with your boob hanging out is actually worse, and i have to pee so bad and i can't find a binky and now my whole shirt is soaked and we're still 25 minutes away from home. so we head back down the road and i make everyone (no one) feel better by yelling back at the baby JUSTSTOPCRYINGGODWHY because babies always respond to yelling works every time. and we finally make it home and in my frenzy to release finn and i from the unending pain that is the constant wail of my precious newborn child i jerk him out of his carseat too fast and he loses his balance and falls in the driveway and scrapes the skin off the top of his foot because of course it's winter and he doesn't have on shoes.
the lows.
but then there are the highs.
the moments, like right now, when they're both sleeping. peacefully. happily.
in clean clothes and dry diapers in their own beds with full bellies.
and i'm wearing clothes without baby spit up on them and i even have on mascara.
and i realize i'm doing it and it's good.
yesterday we made christmas crafts for the grandparents and everyone had fun and it actually worked!
today we went to finn's gym class and no one cried and finn tried new things and sat for part of circle time.
this week finn gives high fives and does all the motions to head shoulders knees and toes and uses his voice to get my attention. he says up up up and bubbles and mama (twice!) and nods yes and no and says ssss for swing. and cole belly laughs and holds my finger when he sleeps and smiles.
oh, he smiles!
and we all forgive and forget the asphalt we ate and we dust ourselves off and give it another go.
i used to think, how can i give 100% of myself to two little boys who both need 100% of me?
i can't. i can't be 200%. no one can.
but you know, it's okay.
we all kind of work together. sometimes one of them needs 80% and the other is ok with 20. and sometimes we all play together and it's a nice 50/50 split. and sometimes cole is crying in the car or finn is pulling all the glass balls off of the christmas tree because the other one just needs all of me for a minute.
and it's all okay.
at the end of the day, daddy gets home, and we're a family, and we all love each other and work together and we learn and do better every day.
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i found this picture on billy's phone the other day.
it was probably 6 in the morning, and i had just gotten cole out of my arms and into his bassinet when finn woke up and got in bed with me.
i'm sleeping in my clothes from the day before.
it hadn't been a pretty night.
but i kind of love this picture. and i love that billy had it.
one day they'll be big and i won't have to choose between eating and showering and i'll be able to go out with my friends (if i have any left) and i'll wish i could do it all over again.
the days are long but the years are short.
time to get back on the bike.
