This weekend was a big one for us because it was Finn's first wedding and his first stay in a hotel. We weren't too sure how this was going to go, but I really don't think it could have gone better. He absolutely loved every minute of it. He loved the hotel, he loved our room, he loved his rented crib, and he loved running through the reception hall- much to the anxiety of every waiter carefully balancing trays full of champagne.
He really seemed to go with the flow without a hitch, and this is something that can rarely be said for any almost two year old, nevermind one with autism! We were SO proud of him. Although I think much of his delight was derived from the abundance of sparkly chandeliers, contrasting flooring, and other sensory novelties, he really seemed to take pleasure in knowing that our whole family was so happy to see him enjoying himself. Our weekend was full of that wonderful "joint attention" eye contact that I always look for- the fleeting glance that says- "Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Are you happy that I'm happy?" That glance is the invisible line that connects us and keeps us knowing that Finn hasn't fallen down the sensory rabbit hole. And more than just his good eye contact, he really seemed to show off a little on the dance floor- his "backward walking" dance move is really only saved for the choicest of audiences.
We were so overcome with happy feelings all weekend from the magic of the wedding and the relief and pride that our boy was doing so well, that we didn't really think about having to deal with opinions, or funny remarks, or sideways glances. It's funny that I didn't really think to prepare myself for that going into the weekend. I think it's because, for us, Finn is our normal. We don't know anything different. And then when we put him in a big social environment where he's not anybody else's normal, we have to remind ourselves that, well, he acts funny.
It has been a short road for us as parents of a child with autism. And we don't really wave the banner. We don't join the support groups. We don't even really use the word. We just are who we are, and Finn is who he is, and we love it. But on our short road, we have learned some valuable lessons in dealing with other peoples comments and opinions. And I can absolutely say, without a doubt, 100%, the best way to deal with them, is to just not let them bother you! We can never control other peoples opinions. But we can control ourselves and our outlooks. And frankly, that is super easy for us to do when we just look at Finn. There's not an ounce in his body that cares if you think he looks funny when he runs down the hallway staring at the ceiling lights and flapping his arms. He's having a blast!
While Finn was toddling around the lobby this morning, I heard a valet say to another valet before we left, "there's something wrong with that one." It kind of made me do a little bit of a double take. And then I thought as I looked at him, "there's something wrong with that one." Hahaha! We are all different. You can use words like "there's something wrong" to describe Finn, or you can use words like "he has a totally different perspective". You can use words like "ignorant" to describe the valet, or you can use words like "inexperienced." We always try to choose the best ones. It's easy for me to do, because I know that not everyone understands. And I wouldn't have understood, before I was Finn's mom. I would have had no idea. But now that I am Finn's mom, I get to be one of the people that gets it. And I get to know that he is magic, and he is wonderful, and he is the lucky one. Because he gets to see it all differently.
It caught me off guard at the wedding reception to hear a family member crying, talking to another family member and saying "I'd just rather people know, then to look at him and just think he's... weird." What surprised me most about this was the tears. I couldn't really understand the tears. Because Finn was having soooo much fun on the dance floor, running back and forth, holding his grandpa's hand and making funny little hand movements. I thought, "How could anyone be sad? When you see the joy on this little boys face?" And it wasn't like the sensory overload, I'm totally stimming out, in my own little autism spectrum, joy. It was joy at his family clapping for him, at being the center of attention, at being loved for everything that he is and everything that he is not. I think this family member was just trying to smooth things over with Finn's autism label. Like if we tell people he has autism, then they'll understand why he's like this and not just think he's weird. But I don't really care if people think he's weird. And I don't think I need to make a public service announcement when we get to social events that says "Oh hey, this one has autism, in case his dance moves make you feel awkward." If you ask me, I'll tell you. It's not a sad thing. It's just a reality thing. It's who he is. We celebrate it. But we don't need a label to justify it.
Another family member said to me this weekend, "You better take care of yourself this time!" - In regards to my pregnancy. I thought that was a funny thing to say. Was this to imply that I didn't take care of myself last time? That I had a glass of wine and fudged that one up? I'm not sure. I think sometimes people lack judgement in their choice of words. But I also think that a lot of times people need to justify things happening by giving them reasons for happening. Like I must have done something to make Finn come out the way he is. Or it must be caused by something. They aren't trying to be hurtful, they are just trying to understand. No one knows the cause of autism. Maybe one day in 50 years they will unveil that it is caused by a certain brand of cocoa butter used during pregnancy, or by eating too many grapefruit. Who knows. But I don't believe that Finn is the way that he is because of something I did or didn't do. I believe Finn is Finn because he's supposed to be Finn. Take him or leave him. You don't have to make sense of it.
The point of me sharing these comments that I heard this weekend is not to make anyone feel sorry for us. And it's not to make anyone come to our defense, or say "how could they!" It's to share the simple fact that any single one of these comments could have put a fog over our weekend if we let it, but we didn't. The point of sharing the comments is to show you that we are learning to take these things in stride. We know that we have a lifetime of them ahead of us. And the big point, is that we hope that if you ever come across a person or child who doesn't quite act like the rest of them, that you will embrace him or her. Even if it's just with a smile. And try looking at things from a different point of view. And think that different is good. Sometimes different is better. And we don't have to have reasons for it, and we don't have to understand it, and we don't even have to label it. We just have to love it.
And like us, you'll probably find that it's not hard to do. :)
